Despite my last post, I was actually feeling pretty decent by that evening. I will speak more on the different things happening once they are finalized because I do not want to jinx myself in any of the things that may or may not be coming up. I will speak about how important it is to take your time and process things the way that I did.
It was very important that I realized and took the quiet time to process my feelings. After I took a little time, not too much, I decided to send some emails and make some phone calls about the things that were bothering me. I waited until I was in a place that was not quite as emotional and then I was able to rationally think about things and ask the proper questions. This led to good answers that helped me calm down and see the brightness over my hole again.
I will update this with more details very soon but, not until the things that are looking up for me are finalized. Remember there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, some tunnels are just longer than others...
Friday, June 23, 2023
Wednesday, June 21, 2023
A Dark Hole
I wasn't going to blog this but, I really did want to keep this up to date and I do hope that if anyone ever finds this and reads it that it will help at least one person to not feel so alone...
The title is the only thing I can think of to describe what I am feeling right now. I feel like one thing after another is pushing me back down. I stand up from my chair to move forward and something forces me back down and it makes me feel stuck. I was so happy Monday, we got approved for our mortgage loan and I felt so hopeful for the future. We went over wedding things and worked on the playlist and it was a good day! I stood up from my chair to move forward in my life and was excited...
Life slammed me back down into my chair the past 2 days! I was very hopeful for a job opportunity...I have not been told no yet but from what I have been told, it does appear as if someone found a reason to say "not yet". I would not feel so bad if I had not resigned from my previous position because I was told that I was being hired and that there was no reason I should not get the job. I am trying to hold on to faith and I have prayed countless times about it however, unless there is a loop hole (which I am praying there is), it's in black and white that I did not get the new position for some unknown reason.
This morning, SLAM, life made sure I had not tried to stand up from my chair...I just wanted to get to the university to go to the session that would help prepare me for edTPA. My tire was flat, I had to pump it in the heavy rain and got soaked...then within the first mile off my road I hydroplaned twice and lost control of my car once. I was so discouraged and scared of the weather and the roads that I turned around and went back home. So now I am sitting in my bed feeling extremely deflated and stuck in this dark hole that life is keeping me in at this moment.
Will I see things in a brighter light soon? I surely hope so, I will definitely try! Will I allow this to ruin my entire day? I don't think so, I don't plan to. Am I very down right now and just want to be in my darkness for a little bit? Very much so! Is that okay? Yes, it is!
So...I will allow myself to sit in my room and darkness and zone out watching TV, maybe even take a nap. The events since Monday are just the new events...it doesn't count my lack of income right now, my need to find a summer job or summer income, my unhappiness with my health, or any of the other things that have been affecting me long term. So, I need a short break to allow myself to process everything that I am feeling in this dark hole and that is okay. It is okay for me to take the time I need in order to process my feelings...I will not allow myself to sulk too long and once I am ready, I will turn on my light and start making a plan for what I will do if my current plans continue to fall through. I will continue to pray through my darkness for my mental health and for guidance through this darkness. I started writing with a completely different intention but, I will not beat myself up for needing time to process my feelings because it is okay to feel deeply about these things. It is my goal to come back to this blog later today and be able to post more positive information but, if I cannot do that then it will be okay and I will try again tomorrow...
IF anyone ever actually reads this and you are feeling this darkness for any reason...remember, it is okay to sit in your thoughts and process your feelings. Just make sure that you don't stay in the darkness too long and that you work out a plan because everything happens for a reason, even if we don't understand that reason in the moment...
The title is the only thing I can think of to describe what I am feeling right now. I feel like one thing after another is pushing me back down. I stand up from my chair to move forward and something forces me back down and it makes me feel stuck. I was so happy Monday, we got approved for our mortgage loan and I felt so hopeful for the future. We went over wedding things and worked on the playlist and it was a good day! I stood up from my chair to move forward in my life and was excited...
Life slammed me back down into my chair the past 2 days! I was very hopeful for a job opportunity...I have not been told no yet but from what I have been told, it does appear as if someone found a reason to say "not yet". I would not feel so bad if I had not resigned from my previous position because I was told that I was being hired and that there was no reason I should not get the job. I am trying to hold on to faith and I have prayed countless times about it however, unless there is a loop hole (which I am praying there is), it's in black and white that I did not get the new position for some unknown reason.
This morning, SLAM, life made sure I had not tried to stand up from my chair...I just wanted to get to the university to go to the session that would help prepare me for edTPA. My tire was flat, I had to pump it in the heavy rain and got soaked...then within the first mile off my road I hydroplaned twice and lost control of my car once. I was so discouraged and scared of the weather and the roads that I turned around and went back home. So now I am sitting in my bed feeling extremely deflated and stuck in this dark hole that life is keeping me in at this moment.
Will I see things in a brighter light soon? I surely hope so, I will definitely try! Will I allow this to ruin my entire day? I don't think so, I don't plan to. Am I very down right now and just want to be in my darkness for a little bit? Very much so! Is that okay? Yes, it is!
So...I will allow myself to sit in my room and darkness and zone out watching TV, maybe even take a nap. The events since Monday are just the new events...it doesn't count my lack of income right now, my need to find a summer job or summer income, my unhappiness with my health, or any of the other things that have been affecting me long term. So, I need a short break to allow myself to process everything that I am feeling in this dark hole and that is okay. It is okay for me to take the time I need in order to process my feelings...I will not allow myself to sulk too long and once I am ready, I will turn on my light and start making a plan for what I will do if my current plans continue to fall through. I will continue to pray through my darkness for my mental health and for guidance through this darkness. I started writing with a completely different intention but, I will not beat myself up for needing time to process my feelings because it is okay to feel deeply about these things. It is my goal to come back to this blog later today and be able to post more positive information but, if I cannot do that then it will be okay and I will try again tomorrow...
IF anyone ever actually reads this and you are feeling this darkness for any reason...remember, it is okay to sit in your thoughts and process your feelings. Just make sure that you don't stay in the darkness too long and that you work out a plan because everything happens for a reason, even if we don't understand that reason in the moment...
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